After decades of trying to scrape the cruddy residue off household light switch covers left by Jimmy Carter energy crisis/stagflation-era “TURN OFF THE LIGHT” stickers, Americans may now breathe a sigh of relief. Replacement stickers are on their way!
Virginia’s Dominion Energy has announced 20% residential price increases, to be reflected in customers’ monthly bills. Other power companies (Pennsylvania, West Virginia, etc.) are following suit.
Don’t worry! Simply peel off the adhesive backing of your sticker (don’t forget to “Put Litter in its Place,” say, a cardigan pocket), and replace yesteryear’s grimy misery with today’s. You’ll be doing your part for the environment, and as a bonus it might even feel a tad cooler, without air conditioning, to sit in the dark. Do you have a dusty old lava lamp somewhere? Complete the experience! Just remember to turn it off when you’re not looking.
In his electrifying Eisenhower Building speech Tuesday, our president graciously credits Putin and the pandemic for these groovy new possibilities, but we know whom to thank! We are also, happily, repeatedly reminded by Joe Biden that the solution to high energy prices is (of course) to use less energy. The logic is clear enough: Have we not learned that the solution to high food prices is to eat less?
As was the case in Russia under the greatest of Joes, the secret to surviving and thriving in the present situation is to embrace our leader. Referring to his own ruling party, and to our general state of economic agony, Biden reminds us: “Because of the actions we’ve taken, we’re in the strongest possible position to face this challenge.” His words ring true.
The genius of Biden’s leadership on energy lies in its simplicity. He says he’ll “save Americans as much as five hundred dollars per year on utility bills … because there would be less heat and cool escaping from better insulated doors and windows.” And there you have it. Five hundred bucks!
Once we grasp the interconnectedness of it all, minor problems like “gas prices” melt away. The environmentally responsible solution, after all, is not to go anywhere. Problem solved! Look at that little lamp as you sit. Have we not always known, in our hearts, that mental journeys are the most important ones? It is time for all of us, as a nation, to save money, stay home and stuff tube socks around our doors and windows. When no light shines in through the cracks, we will have done our part.
Stay positive. Biden promises to counter record-breaking inflation and shortages by “giving Americans a raise.” See how it all comes together? Need we know how he will persuade millions of employers – his “corporations who need to pay their fair share” – to go along with a mandatory pay-raise plan? Of course not! Who would be so foolish as to ask?
Joe Biden finally challenges us to “build on the extraordinary progress we have made.”
Doesn’t that sound appealing?
Embrace our return to the good days. Shake off those post-Soviet notions of “plenty” and stand by our man! Less is More, remember? Welcome back, America. Stay in, sit down, shut up and don’t forget to turn out the lights.
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