Editor’s note: The powers that be at WND.com have told Michael Ackley he may submit the occasional column. As socio-political madness has accelerated, Mr. Ackley has succumbed to the urge to get back in the game. Hence, the items below. Remember that his columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
I have only a passing interest in soccer. It is one of those curious products of the human inclination to devise difficulties, such as banning the use of hands, in the name of sport.
However, when glancing at the statistics page of a national newspaper’s sports section, I was surprised by the name at the top of the collegiate women’s soccer rankings. I expected to see the top spot occupied by one of the traditional Division I powers – North Carolina perhaps, or Duke, or Clemson.
But, no. The No. 1 women’s team in the nation was that of Crawford Notch University, situated in the New Hampshire town of Carroll.
I had to know how this was possible, for CNU is a tiny institution, enrolling just a couple of thousand liberal arts majors. The university’s website provided the team’s win/loss record, showing that the White Tails, named for the state animal, not only were undefeated but had run up scores averaging an incredible 10 goals a game. And all of the games were shutouts.
A look at the team photo showed a group of oddly broad-shouldered young women. Beyond that, gallantry forbids further description.
Desiring more information, I contacted the White Tails’ coach, Howard Bashford. Since his previous coaching jobs had produced only indifferent success, I asked the secret of his team’s ascent to the top of the rankings.
“It’s really kind of hard to put my finger on it,” said Bashford, kindly returning our phone call. “Though it may be that our athletes are just bigger, stronger and faster than our opponents.”
“Take our goalie,” he continued. “They are 6-foot-4 and 215 pounds. And our striker has run a 10.5 hundred meters out of the blocks. There isn’t a defensive player in Division I who can keep up with them. The rest of our players are similarly gifted.”
“Excuse me, coach,” I interjected. “Why do you refer to these individual players as ‘they’ and ‘them’?”
“Well,” said Bashford, “that’s how trans women want to be designated.”
“So both of them are trans?” I asked.
“Sure,” the coach replied smugly. “All my players are trans women. These girls are so good we plan to challenge the current United States women’s squad for a spot in the Olympic Games. If the current U.S. squad had trouble beating a boys’ 14-and-under team, it won’t stand a chance against my girls.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re fielding a team of men against all-girl teams?”
“No, no, no!” he said. “My team members are all women, trans women.”
“You don’t find this unfair?” I demanded.
“Not at all,” replied the coach. “Are you making the transphobic suggesting that I discriminate on the basis of gender identity? You do know the president of the United States has decreed trans people can’t be barred from school sports, right?”
“I guess I heard something like that,” I confessed, “… but …”
“But nothing,” said Bashford, obviously a bit annoyed at my queries. “No discrimination based on gender identity, and that’s that. Look, I have to ring off. I have to prepare for a meeting of WeCoach.”
“Isn’t that an organization for women coaches?” I asked, “and aren’t you a man?”
“I am Howard Bashford today,” he replied testily, “but for the meeting I will be Hortense Bashford, a trans woman.”
I was nonplussed. “How can you be a man today and a woman tomorrow?”
“Where is it written,” Bashford demanded, “that anybody has to be the same sex every day?”
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